Office Rule #12 Only one Heather per floor

Rule #12 of working in an office: Avoid ever working near someone with the same name as you. 
In my little “cube” complex, there happens to be another Heather.  And worst of all, she totally outranks me.  Plus, she knows way more than me.  But that’s really not surprising because I’ve spent the first two weeks of my job making sure I don’t learn anything, but rather perfect my emailing and web-surfing abilities.  In fact, I think the mail boy knows more about the company than me.  Someone will come to my “cube” and ask “I’m looking for Linda Herfnegger.”  And I just stare back, blinking.  I should know this, I’ve been here for two weeks!  And the mail guy inevitable answers, without even lifting his head.  Or, someone will ask “I have a question about the solutions division… which company are you working for?” And once again, I’m stumped.  

Unfortunately, my cubicle is located in the middle of the floor, right next to the elevators and conference room, so I have to field a lot of questions like this  Everyone in the office has to walk by my cube to get anywhere.  This is a major plus if: A) it were a college dorm B) I actually had something to do and always looked busy or C) looked cute everyday.  The latter you’d think I’d actually be able to achieve sometimes, but no.  When running on 6 hours of sleep a night, it’s hard to look anything above average.  I spend most of my day trying to plan when I can squeeze in another hour of sleep.  That is, except for yesterday when I actually DID fall asleep at my desk!  It was horrible. 

The other Heather gave me something to do and the explanation was something like “So then this here is the G/L account coding for the cost center.  And you know all about C-O Reconciliations? (I nod, blearily) Yeah I thought so… so since we gave a debit to this flow through account, it will be unaffected.  OK?  If you have any questions, ask me.”  Yes, I have one big question. What did you just say?  I know I smiled and nodded a little but that’s just really good corporate, schmoozy acting that I’ve perfected through a university education.  Did you just ask me to do something?  So I walked back to my desk with papers in hand.  I crossed paths with my manager, which I always seem to do when I’m confused.  So I quickly started thumbing through the papers and looking quizzically at them and mumbling to myself  “Hmm.. yeah that looks right…. I could get this account ready for quarter close… oh, hi Lisa!  I didn’t see you there! I’d stop and chat but I’ve gotta get back to work!” 

But then when I got back to my desk, I realized I really had no idea what I was supposed to do.  I opened a few excel windows that I remembered seeing on the other Heather’s computer, and clicked around a little, probably changing figures that will cost billions of dollars.  Then I started the clock game.  You know, the “ok it’s 3:35 so I only have an hour and 25 minutes left!  That’s nothing!  OK I can do it.  I can bullshit until then.”  And then “OK it’s 3:46, woohoo 11 minutes just went by and I didn’t even notice!  It felt like… 11 minutes.”  So it was during this little game that I feel asleep.  Not totally asleep and I don’t think anyone noticed.  For like ten minutes I just dozed off on my hand and woke up when my hand slid out from under me and my face hit the keyboard.  I think I might have changed a few more numbers too, and cost the company a few more million.

So back to the two Heather thing.  Every now and then, someone will say “Heather?” and I’ll shout back a stifled, “Yeah?”, hoping of course that their not asking me where someone’s office is or what division of the company I work for.  But, no one ever is looking for me.  It’s always the other Heather.  So I’ve learned to never respond to my name, against all natural instincts.  But then today, when I asked my office crush if he wanted to go to lunch with me and my friend, he said he couldn't at first.  Then, he walked back to his desk and seconds later shouted "Heather!"  This time, I was sure it was for me.  So I quickly shouted back "Yeah!?" Sounding way too eager, standing up in my cubicle to see him and in the process knocking over my chair and nearly spilling water on my keyboard.  When suddenly I realized he too, like all others who know better, wanted the other Heather.  I sunk slowly back into my chair and hoped that no one had noticed.  I think I'm gonna need to go by a different name.  This really can't happen again.