The auditors are coming!

So one of the big decisions upon graduation from college with a degree in accounting was whether to become an auditor or go into industry. You hear years of debate about it, and every fellow nerdy accounting major gives you his or her two cents. Most people go into auditing because those big four firms like to suck up new, happy, confident accounting grads and suck the life out of them, help them get their CPA, and then dump them back on the street. Are you beginning to tell what path I chose? Industry is a private company that is more like a normal office environment where you work normal hours and work up the corporate ladder. All our professors would say “it’s a decision you have to make for yourself.” Well, I prefer another phrase, which I coined myself, which is: “it all depends on what sucker will hire you.”

So I chose industry, while many of my friends are auditors. Now that I’m at a big company, there are external auditors permanently in our building, slowly making the rounds and checking departments.

The big buzz in our department is that … wait for it… the auditors are coming! Rumor has it they’re gonna pounce on us in the dead of night, feed on our flesh, and steal our children. They’re ruthless and mean. They carry laptops and have pocket protectors. They ask things like “Where’s the back-up for this?” and “What do you do here?” (To which my reply is a shrug and I whisper to them ‘Hell if I know.’) And don’t even think of throwing around words like “Enron” around here. That’s like saying "bomb" at an airport. People act like it’s Armageddon. Every time someone says “auditor” they say it with such fear that I always follow it up with a scary noise in my head… dun dun dun!!

But really people, it’s just your office. What could they really do to you? The worst they could do to me is take my Hershey kisses from my bottom drawer. Actually, that would make me pretty mad. Chocolate is what gets me through the day. But there is a guy a few cubicles over with a plant on his desk that I’ve been eying. He’d better lock that up safe.

So, all of our work now is focused on getting ready for the auditors. I’ve been working on putting together this huge binder of stuff. I could tell you what’s in it, but I really think you might fall asleep and never log back into my blog. After a few words like “reconciliation” and “quarter-end” most people are nodding off onto their keyboards. So anyway, this binder is becoming the size on my cubicle. I’m going to need a dolly to deliver the final product to my manager. And, I’ve been flipping through so many pages while working on it, that I actually had to go get some of that “tacky fingers” crap that you used to see on your teacher desk in high school. It’s basically and tub of Vaseline that’s relabeled “tacky fingers” so you think it’s professional and for office use. So after seeing this stuff sitting on my desk, I officially feel like an office nerd. Could I be any more stereotypical? Next I’m gonna be carrying my calculator on a string around my neck.

So I finally finished the binder and my manager said “So if the auditors (dun dun dun) come, is this going to be what they want? There are no mistakes? You did it right?” And how am I supposed to reply to this? “OOOh, you wanted NO mistakes?! Well, you’d better give that back because I was under the impression you just wanted a half-assed job. In fact, most of the papers in here are just printouts of funny pictures I found on the internet.”

I think my co-workers have spent too much time cooped up in an office and too little time at the local bar, getting drunk with soon to be auditors, like I do. Many of my college friends are about to be some of these “scary” auditors, and trust me, they’re as cool as the rest of us. First of all, they mostly don’t know what their talking about. Second, they spend most of their time IMing their friends. (I know this because at the moment I am IMing my friend at an auditing firm who’s supposed to be working... she says hi)

Actually, I heard that one rogue auditor has actually been spotted on our floor, trying to camouflage herself by pretending to be one of us. But she’s been spotted. So now the word’s out. Actually, I think I’ve seen her. She’s been asking this one lady for all sorts of files and I keep seeing her walk her over to this file cabinet which is behind me. The auditor is about 4 foot 11 and is one of the most unintimidating people you’ve ever met. I think I tripped over her just now on the way to the bathroom in fact. But my co-worker has a different attitude. She walks the auditor girl over to the filing cabinet, hands shaking, fumbling her words, and drops the keys a few times. I sure hope she’s doing this for effect. Later today, we were gossiping about the auditor girl at the water cooler (I swear, this office is straight out of Dilbert!) and someone said he thinks her name is Dolphin! I laughed so hard I had to prop myself up by the copier. Let me tell you, if a girl named Dolphin comes a knockin, she’ll be getting the files herself.

So after I cleared up the binder mess with my manager, she also told me to tell people that the auditors are coming. What, am I supposed to run up and down the cubicles ringing a bell? I feel like friekin Paul Revere.