The Last Train to Ghettoville

I had an interesting experience on the trolley today. Did I mention I take the trolley? Well, normally it’s a nice, leisurely ride to work, but lately, it’s been getting weirder and weirder. I mean, I’ve gotten used to the odd, public transport smell by now, and the fact that the trolley drivers can be really mean and vindictive, but now the other passengers are starting to push the envelope.

Apparently this morning I caught the 7:44 Ghetto Express – “Direct service to anything and everything ghetto.”

When I got on, I purposely sat near this little old man who was asleep. Mostly because the seats face each other and I hate waging a silent war over whose knees get to go where. With a sleeping guy, I always win. So I started to give him the once over, trying to figure out his deal, and why the fuck he was on a train at this hour of the morning. Shouldn’t he be at home clipping coupons or something? Or talking to his cat about ‘the good old days’? If I were that age I would be curled up in bed and not on a trolley headed to downtown. Heck, if I were ANY age, I’d be curled in bed right now if I could be.

In fact, there are a lot of people on trolley that puzzle me. More than once I’ve been tempted to go sit down by someone I’ve been staring at and be like “So, what’s your story?” I mean, who goes on the trolley to downtown before 8? The only people I can think of are people going to work. But every morning there’s a handful of people who really don’t fit into the morning commute crowd. Often there are kids younger then me in jeans… all by themselves, just staring out the window… probably wondering what the hell they’re doing on the trolley!

So I began to forget about the little old man across from me. Mainly because I suddenly became immersed in my own battle over what color my pants were. I was wearing a black patterned shirt, and suddenly I realized my pants were brown! What the hell.. I totally clashed! Or maybe it was just a faded black that didn’t match my shirt… So, most of the trolley ride was me thinking “They’re brown… no wait, the way the light just hit them, they’re black. Yeah, they’re totally black. But what if they’re brown and someone at work thinks I have a drinking problem who can’t even match an outfit? I have come in to work hung over twice in the last two weeks. This could be the clincher… “

When suddenly, while the trolley was stopped at some station, probably the corner of Murderville and Rape Street, this scary cop leapt on board! I was sure he was there to check our tickets, and suddenly I realized I didn’t have one! I’ve been buying monthly passes and totally haven’t gotten my latest one! Well, in all honesty I haven’t even bothered yet because I’ve never, ever had my ticket checked! So, of course, I’m thinking, today’s my lucky day.

I start thinking up an excuse to tell this rather large police man about why I still have July’s pass. And just as I’m thinking of a way to make myself cry, I notice that he’s not checking tickets at all. Everyone in the trolley car is suddenly looking over at where I’m sitting. The cop was after my little old man friend!
The cop starts poking my sleeping friend! I guess they have to wake people up who are on the trolley so they don’t miss their stop or something. Then he starts shaking him. Suddenly I realize, I haven’t really seen this guy move since I got on the trolley. The trolley’s still stopped and now people are standing up and coming over to see what’s happening, all the while the cop keeps shaking the little old man!

People near me start gasping and looking at me, and I’m like “what’s all the fuss about?” When suddenly it hits me: “OH MY GOD, I’m sitting across from a dead man on the trolley. I’m sitting across from a dead man on the trolley!”

But, don’t worry guys, he wasn’t dead. He woke up with a start and thought someone was trying to fight him. (I guess when you ride the trolley at weird times, you’re on edge) The cop just pulled him up and dragged him off the train! It was so weird! I think someone must have called and said he’d been there a long time… he was mumbling something about where he was headed. Probably Jupiter or something. In which case, that’s the next train over.

I can only imagine he’d been sitting there, riding the trolley back and forth all night long! In either case I quickly settled back my self-absorbed state. If I’m late to work, they’ll never believe why! And my pants are definitely black. I think.