Corporate Suzie in the Emergency Room

A few weeks ago I discovered that NBC is not doing the real ER justice.

On a random Monday I checked myself in at the ER desk at my local hospital. I won’t go into why and it wasn’t serious, but let’s just say that a crazy rash caused my eyes to nearly swell shut for a whole weekend, and after struggling for days with various concealors and coming up with new excuses for why I couldn’t see my friends or boyfriend, I realized I had to do something. And my regular doctor was booked until 2007.

They told me to go to the ER and I said “Why? I haven’t been shot. I haven’t been running with a fork in my mouth and fallen on it. Normal people don’t go to the ER.” Oh, but they do. So my doctor talked me into going , which took about as much time as it probably would have to have seen me himself.

After I talked to the ER reception girl through the plate glass, so told me to sit down and I’d be called. So I made my way back to the swampy waiting room full of my city’s finest dead beats and weirdoes. I had barely sat down and begun taking in the strange creature sitting across from me, when my name was called! Wow, I thought. HMO’s are really something, medical care is really making strides. Then some swarthy lady broke my daze and yelled “Hey girly, over here! Window 2!” and I was directed to another booth with an inch of glass protecting a receptionist from the likes of me. Apparently I was not going to see some sexy ER doc just yet, I was merely here to answer some questions and fill out more paperwork.

After that I went and found a relatively clean seat with a good view of the TV with quality, bunny-ear antennae reception of the 12 o’clock showing of Judge Judy. I surveyed the scene. Where exactly would be the best place to put down my Coach purse? Do they have any beverages here, I’m feeling a little parched.

Most of the room seemed engrossed in the TV, so I took this opportunity to check out my fellow waiting-roomees. Most of the people in there looked fairly normal, besides being a little sad looking and smelly. They seemed to be more interested in Judge Judy then getting to see a doctor. A guy across the room was listening to an ipod and had sunglasses on. I swear he stared at me the whole time, but for all I know, he was asleep.

Then the automatic doors to the ER opened and the real interesting people came in. A man was wheeled in on a wheelchair and was promptly ditched. This guy had crazy bird hair and was wrapped in a giant blue blanket. He looked like he was homeless and he was groaning up a storm. Somehow he got wheeled over in my direction. If he barfs on my shoe, I’m so out of here. He groaned and moaned for a few more minutes and started shivering in his blanket. His torso was mostly horizontal the whole time. In my head, I started cataloging all the types of diseases I could potential catch from this guy by just sitting near him. Ew! His dirty blanket just touched my leg! OK I’m moving.

The sad part is this guy looked like seriously in pain. He clearly was here for a reason and the girl who assessed him through the glass window apparently thought he could do with another hour of sitting. Finally, someone called his name. He sort of fell over to the window of the receptionist girl, where I had been. I couldn’t believe it but they started asking him the same questions they’d asked me. They were like “Sir, please state your name.” “Sir, I’m sorry but screaming in pain is not considered stating your name.” Then they were all “Sir, please state your address.” He was all “1-4… OOW!! 3 Othello Street…” Then I think he passed out. The girl was all “OK thanks sir, please wait over there to see the nurse.”

Then, from a back room, my name was called over the crowd! Hooray, I get to see someone! In the secret back room I got to see a slightly bored looking nurse who gave me a wrist band to send me to urgent care. She hardly asked me anything. Then I got an extra, special red wristband stating my allergy to milk. Cool! I’m a double nerd! Then she said what you least like to hear in an ER... “Go back and wait in the waiting room.” So I did.

Now I was sitting on a different side of the room. I felt someone’s eyes staring at me and I turned slightly to my left and there she was, right in my face, sitting next to me. Irritating Nosey Girl. “Hi!” She said. Oh great. I’m going to make an ER friend. “What’s your red wrist band for? I don’t have a red one.” None of your beeswax, twerp! For all you know, this red wrist band could mean that I have a highly contagious strain of the plague, so maybe you should keep to yourself.

I talked to Irritating Nosey Girl for a bit, and I asked what she was in for. She said she had Strep Throat and proceeded to cough on me.

Then a little intern looking girl came into the waiting room and called two names, one of which was me! Hooray! Turns out the other name with the girl next to me. Damn. She took us down the hall and plopped us in another waiting room. Are you kidding me? This was like some practical joke where you just keep getting shuffled from waiting room to waiting room and someone behind a one way mirror is cracking up that you keep falling for it. She said this was the urgent care waiting room. There was no one else in, so it would be just me and Nosey Girl. Great.

But then the doors opened and a girl about my age stumbled in with a giant Tupperware container. She was carrying Gatorade and wearing a huge jacket and she laid down on a row of seats and started shivering. She put the Tupperware bucket beneath her and looked about ready to hurl. Wow, I thought. This girl is SO going ahead of me. She was shivering pretty bad and finally Nosey Girl said “What’s wrong with you?”

This time I was glad she was so nosey because I wanted to know. “Oh, I drank a whole bottle of brandy last night and now I’m paying for it.” She meekly said.
“How long have you been waiting?” Nosey girl continued to pry.
“Oh, I’m not waiting to see a doctor. I’m here with my friend, he’s down the hall.”

So the sickest girl in the room wasn’t even there for the doctor. She was just hanging out. This is the shantiest operation I’ve ever heard of.

Basically, my day in the ER was an experience well worth the $10 co-pay. I saw a whole other slew of crazy characters in there. But I think if I laid out the whole scene, none of you would ever go to the ER. And it’s something you should all experience for yourselves.

People at work were treating me like a leper when I came back, so I kept getting sent home while I still had my crazy face rash. I think now whenever I want to leave work early I’ll just be like at a staff meeting and be all “You know.. I feel a little itchy.. maybe a rash is coming on….”