What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas - and also gets spread around the office

So tonight, we’re going to Vegas. I think a new rule of office conduct is not to tell your co-workers too many details about your out of work plans. For one, most people around here’s weekends consist of mowing the lawn or taking the family to wal-mart. So I let a few too many people know I’m going to Vegas this weekend. And that I went out last night for my birthday. So today, I stumbled in a half hour late and couple of my cubey friends said “Did you have fun last night?” or “where’d you go, who’d you see, what’d you do?!” Couldn’t’ they see that I was hung-over? I mean I’m wearing an outfit that doesn’t match (what are the odds of finding a matching outfit on the floor of your closet with your eyes closed?) my hair’s insane, my eyes are so bloodshot I may have to change my eye color on my drivers liscense to “red” for Vegas, so that I match my ID, and if I’d remembered to wear nylons, they would surely have had runs in them.

So I was trying to explain to one girl how crazy last night was and how I don’t even know what time I actually went to bed, or how my alarm clock went off on time. So I said “I got up really early this morning.” When I meant to say “I didn’t go to bed till really late last night.” So she just kinda confused and was like “Oh… cool.” Forget it, I’m not even gonna try to say complete sentences to people this morning.

When I woke up this morning, my alarm was blaring way louder than it ever has before and all of a sudden Maria walked into my room. She apparently slept on my couch. I have no idea how I got to bed, or when I got to bed. But I do know I forgot to take out my contacts. So that added to my general nasty feeling this morning. The sad thing is, I can’t even remember the facts of this morning that well, much less last night! So Maria left at some point, and I tried to get ready to go. So all I needed was my car keys and my phone and we’re good to go. Hmm.. where’s my cell phone? Crap, it’s gone. I left it in Claire’s car and now it’s an hour away. So I just grab my purse, which is in its usual state of day-after-going-outness, with my ID and credit card floating around lose and all sorts of stuff missing. I stumble to the trolley in reasonable good time and suddenly realize I forgot my security badge. So I had to get a dinky replacement one from security, which I’m sure I’ll forget to turn back in since I can’t seem to remember anything lately.

I tried to go to the cafeteria to find something to make me feel better. I figured orange juice would be good to rehydrate me. (I’m sure my triathalon friend, triatholon-Jake is right now yellilng at the computer about how that’s so not true and how could I possible think that was good for a hangover because of OJ’s low electrolyte omega vitamin D inibitor balance or something, but I’m a novice when it comes to healthy foods) But the cafeteria only had giant soda cups for juice! The smallest one is 36 ounces! What kind of weirdos work here that consider 36 ounces a small? And what kind of people need at least 36 ounces of any liquid?! So now I have this vat of orange juice on my desk which is inevitable gonna spill everywhere. Everytime I take a drink from it I feel like it's going to drown me.

I’ll let you know how Vegas goes…

Office Rule #33: Avoid Office Parties

I hate office banter.  Call me cynical, but I really can’t stand being trapped in a room with my co-workers for any extended period of time.  Today, someone on my floor, who I don’t know but have always said hi to, graduated from something.  I’m not sure what exactly she graduated from, but everyone seemed to get very worked up about it.  I think people were mostly excited about the idea of getting away from their computers and eating bad cake for 30 minutes.  People were crying and hugging and it was a big hoopla.  For all I know she just got her GED, but the way they were acting she’d just done her dissertation on “How to evoke emotion out of your co-workers with minimal effort and a cake from Ralphs.” 
So we all passed around the cake, usual fashion, where you see all the good pieces of chocolate go by you, and finally you get one and it’s white cake with a smeared “s” from congradulations in frosting on it.  That’s when the banter started.  The laughing about people’s husbands (“What am I gonna do with him?”) or about how excited they are for Friday (“It’s almost Friday guys!”)  Not that anyone in my office has exciting plans.  What are you doing this Friday, I sometimes ask my co-worker.  “I’m going to do laundry and play with my calculator!”  These people need to stop working for a little while. 
Then there’s the co-worker with the annoying laugh.  You can hear her around the whole floor.  Even when in a bathroom stall, plugging you ears, you can hear her laughing.  And she has a name that sounds like it belongs on an episode of Doogie Hauser – Rhonda.  So during the office party, while we all stifle a laugh at boring stories about someone’s non-existent home life, this girl’s laugh trumps them all.  Which is probably good because then I don’t have to laugh as hard.  Too much fake laughing is harmful.  So instead, anytime there’s an office party, I make sure to sit next to her.  Then I can just kick back and eat cake while she laughs for the both of us. 

Office Rule #12 Only one Heather per floor

Rule #12 of working in an office: Avoid ever working near someone with the same name as you. 
In my little “cube” complex, there happens to be another Heather.  And worst of all, she totally outranks me.  Plus, she knows way more than me.  But that’s really not surprising because I’ve spent the first two weeks of my job making sure I don’t learn anything, but rather perfect my emailing and web-surfing abilities.  In fact, I think the mail boy knows more about the company than me.  Someone will come to my “cube” and ask “I’m looking for Linda Herfnegger.”  And I just stare back, blinking.  I should know this, I’ve been here for two weeks!  And the mail guy inevitable answers, without even lifting his head.  Or, someone will ask “I have a question about the solutions division… which company are you working for?” And once again, I’m stumped.  

Unfortunately, my cubicle is located in the middle of the floor, right next to the elevators and conference room, so I have to field a lot of questions like this  Everyone in the office has to walk by my cube to get anywhere.  This is a major plus if: A) it were a college dorm B) I actually had something to do and always looked busy or C) looked cute everyday.  The latter you’d think I’d actually be able to achieve sometimes, but no.  When running on 6 hours of sleep a night, it’s hard to look anything above average.  I spend most of my day trying to plan when I can squeeze in another hour of sleep.  That is, except for yesterday when I actually DID fall asleep at my desk!  It was horrible. 

The other Heather gave me something to do and the explanation was something like “So then this here is the G/L account coding for the cost center.  And you know all about C-O Reconciliations? (I nod, blearily) Yeah I thought so… so since we gave a debit to this flow through account, it will be unaffected.  OK?  If you have any questions, ask me.”  Yes, I have one big question. What did you just say?  I know I smiled and nodded a little but that’s just really good corporate, schmoozy acting that I’ve perfected through a university education.  Did you just ask me to do something?  So I walked back to my desk with papers in hand.  I crossed paths with my manager, which I always seem to do when I’m confused.  So I quickly started thumbing through the papers and looking quizzically at them and mumbling to myself  “Hmm.. yeah that looks right…. I could get this account ready for quarter close… oh, hi Lisa!  I didn’t see you there! I’d stop and chat but I’ve gotta get back to work!” 

But then when I got back to my desk, I realized I really had no idea what I was supposed to do.  I opened a few excel windows that I remembered seeing on the other Heather’s computer, and clicked around a little, probably changing figures that will cost billions of dollars.  Then I started the clock game.  You know, the “ok it’s 3:35 so I only have an hour and 25 minutes left!  That’s nothing!  OK I can do it.  I can bullshit until then.”  And then “OK it’s 3:46, woohoo 11 minutes just went by and I didn’t even notice!  It felt like… 11 minutes.”  So it was during this little game that I feel asleep.  Not totally asleep and I don’t think anyone noticed.  For like ten minutes I just dozed off on my hand and woke up when my hand slid out from under me and my face hit the keyboard.  I think I might have changed a few more numbers too, and cost the company a few more million.

So back to the two Heather thing.  Every now and then, someone will say “Heather?” and I’ll shout back a stifled, “Yeah?”, hoping of course that their not asking me where someone’s office is or what division of the company I work for.  But, no one ever is looking for me.  It’s always the other Heather.  So I’ve learned to never respond to my name, against all natural instincts.  But then today, when I asked my office crush if he wanted to go to lunch with me and my friend, he said he couldn't at first.  Then, he walked back to his desk and seconds later shouted "Heather!"  This time, I was sure it was for me.  So I quickly shouted back "Yeah!?" Sounding way too eager, standing up in my cubicle to see him and in the process knocking over my chair and nearly spilling water on my keyboard.  When suddenly I realized he too, like all others who know better, wanted the other Heather.  I sunk slowly back into my chair and hoped that no one had noticed.  I think I'm gonna need to go by a different name.  This really can't happen again.