U.S. Savings & Distrust

Sometimes I think the people around here trust me with too much. Part of my job is to take checks to the bank every couple days. This sounds fairly normal.. but it’s really not. This isn’t just some mom and pop shop with two checks a week to deposit, with both checks having kitten watermarks and quotes from the Bible on them. (I can’t believe I just wrote about the Bible in my blog) These are serious, hard core checks. My company is big… it’s 20 floors crammed full of people doing boring jobs and creating boring transactions which require boring checks to be deposited.

But, on my first trip to the bank, I noticed that these checks are not so boring. On average, these checks add up to half a million dollars! And they want me, ME, a little girl to walk them to the bank? I don’t think they realize, I’m still pretty little at heart. I mean, I get scared if someone claps loudly in my vicinity. If a car backfires near me, I’m usually the one cowering in the bushes. If someone even slightly scary came up to me and said "Give me those", I'd hand the checks over in the blink of an eye. I ain't fuckin around with street people.

And here I am, skipping through sketchy downtown with a Fortune 500 company’s bread and butter. And I have been known to swing my security badge above my head like a helicopter to pass the time. So you can just imagine the sight of me doing this twice a week. If you saw me, you’d probably think “Where’s that loon going?” Well, I happen to be going to deposit millions of dollars, mister!

And you’d think, when I got to the bank, I’d be really cool, because we were such a big company. I thought I’d have to get security clearance and be able to use my thumb print on a scanner to get into the back room, where they do the ultra cool transactions. Then I thought, maybe they’ll invite me in for a tour of the vault and let me help myself to any safe deposit boxes. But no. My Fortune 500 company, with its zillions of employees and millions of dollar in checks every day, banks at Dink Bank of the US. Seriously, it’s like the smallest bank known to man. I find it hard to believe that my company’s massive checks are put in the same vault as Johnny McBoring’s $15 dollar pay check from his paper route.

The only cool part is that I get to stand in a special line called the “Merchant Line”. We have our very own teller, who knows my name now and is always quick to tell me her thoughts on the weather every day. But I’m quite happy to talk to her for many reasons: 1. She never uses a sentence with the word “accounting” in it. And 2. She has bangs that defy gravity. I am mezmerized every day by them. She somehow gets her bangs to stick straight up in the air, and then swoop back into an 80’s wave. It’s crazy.

But the last time I went, my hair-sprayed friend wasn’t there, and instead I was waved over to a special part of the bank. Oh, I thought, here’s my chance to go in the vault! But instead, a woman in a little room called me over. It was this weird little booth with a locked door that she had to buzz to let me in. When I opened the door, it was like a little apartment in the bank, with a comfy chair and mahogany walls. So I settled into the chair and gave everyone else in the bank a mean look, like "I'm in the little room and you're not!" When the teller was done, she had to ask me to leave. I guess I got too comfy. I haven't been buzzed back into that little room since.

The walk to the bank is also pretty interesting. I take a different route each time, mostly to avoid noticing that the homeless person sleeping on the corner of 3rd and Ash hasn't moved since I started working here. I always walk by this sad little hot dog stand. It always looks so out of place, as though the guy running it doesn't realize this isn't New York City and that people from around here don't eat questionable meat products sold on the street. Sometimes I think about stopping to get a hot dog, though. I could kick back and enjoy a hot dog and take in the sights. But I'd probably put the stack of million dollar checks down beside me and then forget them. How would I explain that one to my boss? It also might look a little suspicious if the deposit slip had ketchup on it. ("Oh, the bank said that's part of their new security policy. You haven't heard of it?! Well, maybe you should brush up on your bank security...")

Once I forgot to make the deposit when I was supposed to. I just left the checks locked up in my desk drawer overnight, underneath my stash of bubble gum, Hershey kisses, and chapstick. I'm sure my boss would love to hear that. After that, I think I lost my depositing privliges for a few days. But don't worry, I'm back in the game now. I think I'm gonna put on my resume "Responsible for bi-weekly secure deposit of corporate funds with three star security clearance." Hey, you think anyone's gonna call me on that? 80's-hair teller girl will back me up, I'm sure...