Office Rule #72: Don't Eat in Front of Co-Workers

I just realized I’ve been using the hand lotion dispenser as soap for the last six months at work. How I have not yet gotten SARS or something is beyond me.

Have I talked about my new department much? I don’t think I have, besides giving random updates on how it smells that day. Today, by the way, it’s back to cookies, but I think that’s because I’m eating some at my desk.

I’ve been in this department for quite a while, but I’m still undeniably the “new kid.” I probably still will be even if I end up running the place. It’s a really small department with only about 5 of us, which is kinda cool, but kinda weird. It’s a totally different vibe from my last place. For starters, you guys all know me, I’m all about the social contacts at work. And here’s something I can’t understand: as long as I’ve been in this department, I have yet to go to lunch with one of my co-workers! I don’t know what they do for lunch. I think they go and sit in their cars and eat or something. All I know is, none of them are very social. There’s one girl who sits right near me who kinda looks like me, only older. At first I thought she was cool and invited her out to the happy hours I’d go to with work friends (who were clearly not in this department) but she’d never come. Now I’ve decided she doesn’t look like me and I’ve stopped the outreach program.

I’d go into more detail about my four co-workers here, but I’m kinda scared someone at work is reading this and is penning an email to HR as we speak. So I’ll just sum up the more interesting ones. There’s this one girl who recently lost 100 pounds and that’s basically all I know about her. Once, we all went to a meeting that included lunch. (OK so I guess technically we’ve been to lunch together, but it was required) Now god knows I love a free meal and if my parents taught me anything it’s how to be cheap. So when there’s free food to be had, I will eat like I’m going into hibernation. I think I had two sandwiches, two helpings of salad, four bags of chips, two sodas, and the entire plate of cafeteria brownies. Hey, no one else was eating them! When I was mid-bite on my tenth brownie, my Jenny Craig co-worker started glaring at me from across the table and finally said “Do you work out?” I looked at her over the top of the Dr. Pepper I was downing. “What?” I said.

“You eat so much, how do you stay so skinny?” Suddenly the whole room went quiet and now instead of learning about accounting for derivative transactions, my dietary habits were suddenly the topic of discussion. “Yeah!” someone else yelled from the other end of the room, “How come you’re skinny!” I thought I was going to be attacked by a fat mob. So I started lying. “Um, yeah.. I work out.” “How often?” I was clearly digging myself in a hole, and if I didn’t watch out, I would quickly have a gym buddy. The truth is I don’t work out anymore. And I certainly don’t consider myself skinny. Now before this blog goes spiraling out of control talking about body image and societal pressures on girls, lets stop right here. But to sum up the story, this woman has since always had a little bit of attitude with me. Now if I’m not jogging back from lunch after having a burger, I feel guilty.

OK, I’d better post this kid so that I’m not slacking on posts. I notice some people check my blog pretty often, and I wouldn’t want to let them down! I still have to write about this other girl I work with who I initially thought was a man. It turns out this is just her day job. She also plays on a women’s professional football team. That’s a blog in itself so I’ll save that one for later.