Cubicle Wars - Round Two

My old boss came to my cube the other day after it was decided that I would be moving back to that department next week. This time they’re trying to challenge me again, I think mostly because it’s coming around to the time when I’m supposed to rotate departments, and I don’t think they want me telling the possible next person for my job that all I did was write blog entries and walk to the water cooler and back for 8 months.

So my boss came to my cube with the best intentions, and sat down with a large notepad and said, with her pen poised, “So tell me what it was you were doing specifically last time you were in our department.” Well, you are going to need a lot smaller of a notepad then that. In fact, here’s a post-it. No wait, half a post it. With the words “looked for things to do” on it. There. That was my whole job.

No, but actually, it was kind of embarrassing. I couldn’t for the life of me recall one tangible thing I did. I was like “Um… I did.. that one thing… with the…thing.” When I looked up at her, I expected there to be a disgusted look, like “why are you here?” but instead, she had a sort of understanding look, as though she’d let me down! Well, that’s nice to know.

Now, to clear things up, I hope all my readers out there know that I exaggerate everything in this blog. Everything. Nothing is actually true here. I don’t even work. In fact, I don’t even exist. This is all made up. OK? This disclaimer is also here because of a recent CNN article I read titled “Getting Fired for Blogs.” So let’s try to keep some perspective here, people.
OK but really, I actually am busy and important, it’s just there were definitely times a few months ago, to which my boss was referring, that I was lost in mix. You’ll find this time to be heavily populated by blog entries.

There is also a cubicle here on our floor that I refer to as Siberia cube. It’s generally regarded as the cube where careers go to die. It’s about a mile away from the rest of the department and is apparently on loan to us from another department. How exactly a department loans us a cubicle I will never know. It’s not like a roll of tape or some staples, this is actual, physical workspace smack in the middle of their department.

The word on the street, and when I say street I mean the little hallways here in the office that the cubicles form, is that I was going to be shipped off to Siberia cube! That’s right, have your boarding cards ready, this is a one-way train to Career-endersville.

The reason I say this about the cube is because it’s so far away, people tend to forget you’re alive. After a few days, they forget to invite you to lunch. After a few weeks, they forget to invite you to staff meetings. After a few months, they forget to give you paychecks and you don’t get an invited to the company Christmas party.

Plus, the other department, that apparently is so together you can take a cubicle out on loan from them like a library book, is the quietest department I’ve ever heard. You walk through our department and you can hear laughing, crying, screaming, loud phone conversations, babies crying…. But in their department, the clicking of the mouse is considered noisy. One woman got send to Siberia cube from our group and literally within hours of her move, they asked her to move back because she talked on the phone too loud.

So once I got word that Siberia cube might me my next destination, I spent a week trying to make myself be quiet. I whispered on the phone, I typed super slow to keep the tapping quiet, and I kept my breathing to a minimum. But don’t worry my friends, I’ve dodged that bullet for now and it looks like I’m staying put! See, I have this “in” in my other department. I know someone in a high place who, when I make puppy dog eyes at them, I can get to ask our boss for things for me. I’m hoping I can also get them to do my work when I move over there and possibly sign their vacation time over to me.

So that’s the latest with me. Again, remember, none of this is true and I do not exist. Are we clear?