Office Rule #127: Make the Most of Office Celebrations

Next week is going to rock at work. Wow I don’t think I’ve ever said anything close to that before. One of the many reasons why is that we get our bonuses on Wednesday. That’s right, bonus time kids, the light at the end of the tunnel, the reason I’ve stuck around as long as I have. So in celebration, most departments do some kind of fun thing for everyone.

Last year we all went to a fancy restaurant and got to spend a good three hours wining and dining on the company tab. I thought that was pretty cool, until I heard how my good friend’s department took Hummer limos around downtown doing a scavenger hunt. WTF? And this year that same department gets the whole day off and is going to a bar for lunch where they get to drink alcohol! Gasp! So I eagerly awaited the meeting notice in my email to see where our fancy department outing would be. Finally it came… We were taking a one hour lunch to the casual dining experience of Chinese food that’s a block away from the company. WHAT!? I’m not about to celebrate getting a big fat check over a few cold eggrolls on a fixed price $5 lunch menu! A protest group began forming immediately. I was their ring leader. I had to work every angle I could with inappropriate manager guy, who was the lunch planner, and I managed to get our lunch knocked up to a three star restaurant and even got it extended to an hour and fifteen minutes if I promise to bake him cookies. He told me we should all be grateful because last year, the department down the hall had their year end lunch in the conference room and had baloney sandwiches from the cafeteria and there weren’t even enough to go around. I found that hilarious.

Now before you guys get all bitchy with me about how snobby I’m being for being pissed about the location of a free lunch, hold on. I know it’s a little selfish, but it’s a little disappointing when you’re walking across the street to go to your year end celebratory lunch with you department and you get water splashed on you from the party bus that just steamrolled by, carrying in it many of your co-workers from another floor, going on their way cooler outing. (They also have a fridge full of free drinks on their floor, but that’s just water under the bridge at this point.)

Somehow our little lunch ended up being scheduled on the day after we get our bonus checks, which is kind of unorthodox. It turns all our group’s bosses will be out of the office at a conference on real bonus day. So the six girls in my group all decided we’re going to take liberty with that and are leaving at noon that day and going to lunch on our own and then going to get pedicures! It’s so girly, I love it. I can’t wait to be in a pedicure chair next to my scary manly co-worker who plays women’s football. I doubt her toenails have even seen the light of day, much less any nail polish. So I’m going to be like “So… how’s… football?” And if it gets too awkward I’ll just ask her to pass me the December 2004 copy of Star magazine and will call it a day.