22 Year Old Dies From Work-Related Stroke

So all day yesterday, and most of the day before, I just sat in front of my computer and played on the internet. It was pretty fun actually. I checked my bank balance. I ordered some books I wanted. I set up my phone bill to be automatically paid online, and I somehow accidentally navigated to a few porn sites which I quickly closed and prayed that none of my company’s IT guys decide to research my internet history. I started to feel a little guilty about this when I left at 5 and saw my co-workers madly working. I knew they’d be staying till about 7. But they all like me, so they don’t mind.

Now, you might be wondering why I’m not super busy and also staying until 7. Well, I’m still the new kid. After the projects I’m given to work fizzle out after a few hours, I spend the rest of the day trying to find something to do. I’ve figured out that when my supervisor doesn’t have work for me to do, it’s because he thinks our boss already gave me something. So basically I’m like that guy in Office Space who no one notices has already been fired. My boss thinks my supervisor’s keeping me busy and he thinks my boss is keeping me busy! Hooray for falling through the corporate cracks!

But I have been a little worried that doing nothing and then going home is a little bad and that I might get in trouble for it. Whenever anyone walks by my cubicle, I madly scramble around, trying to minimize the screens with the google search results about where to find the best ribs in southern California or what local salon Suzie Message-Board recommends. I’ve honestly tried to find work, but I think I’m just too damned efficient. When I get some task, I get all excited and I finish it. There in lies the mistake.

I now know that no ones expects a deadline out of me and that’s probably the only task I’m gonna have all day today, maybe all week. So unless I stretch it out and do some web-surfing (and possibly blogging) in between working, there will always be the awkward moment when I hand the finished work to my boss too early and she says “you’re done already?” And then there’s the uncomfortable few minutes of her not knowing what else to give me and me just standing there, shifting from one foot to the other, waiting, and secretly wondering if I’ll make it back to my desk in time for the end of my Ebay auction.

So I’ve continued in my merry ways of just doing what I’m told and nothing more. (That’s the American way!) So, today I was fairly shocked when my manager came over and told me we were having a “surprise” staff meeting. Really? And you want me there? I still think you’d be better off including the mail boy in that meeting than me. But I reluctantly close my instant messenger conversations, grab a pen and pad of paper to make me look official, and go to the conference room.

My department has been pretty empty lately. There’s always someone out sick. And there’s only about 7 of us. Every day I’ve been here at least one person has been out sick. And unfortunately, it’s never been me. Either there’s a crazy corporate accounting bug going around, which I’ll inevitably get, or people have begun realize that this job sucks and need one day a week to stay home and scream into their pillows.

So today happens to be a very poor turnout day. Probably because it’s Friday and because…well, because it’s Friday! That’s a great reason to stay home! I, for one, don’t have the luxury to take sick days every time a Friday rolls around, like the rest of my department seems to. I have officially accrued 2 vacation days. That’s right. Two days. Until next year, that’s all I get. But I really think that I might be able to just sneak in in the morning and put an inflatable doll at my desk, and no one would know the difference. And maybe a tape recording of me that plays every few hours that says things like “I don’t know.” Or “I’m new.” Or “Is that something I should know?”

This “surprise” staff meeting was poorly attended. I plopped down on a chair next to the one office-mate I can stand, and our boss walks in and shuts the door. That’s funny, she doesn’t usually shut the door. Everyone else looks very serious and I begin to wonder if I’m missing something.

“I have a very big announcement,” my boss said. I look up from my doodle of my boss on a surf board to listen. “Heather is going to be leaving us.”

WHAT?! I nearly fell off my chair! I’m sure I turned the shade of a beet and began to have a heart attack! Are you kidding me?!? This is how you fucking fire me?! What the…

But I realize that no one’s looking at me. Everyone’s looking down the conference table at… the other Heather! (Refer to my first blog for details) Oh my god.. abort self-destruct.. abort. We’re OK…. Resume normal breathing and heart rate. What’s that ringing in my ears? Does anyone else notice the room is spinning?

I have no idea why the other Heather is leaving because I spent the rest of the meeting trying to regain my composure. I fanned myself with my pad of paper and tried to make my heart beat not feel like an African drum. It’s ok.. It’s ok.. you’re not fired…

There was a lot of sighing and near tears between the other Heather and my boss, but the jist I got was that the other Heather wanted out. And rightly so! This means I’m officially the only Heather in the office! Hooray!

As we all file back out of the conference room, there are some very down faces. Mostly because everyone knows this means the workload has now increased for the rest of us. But I don’t care. Maybe that means my work load will increase from non-existant to barely filling an hour. Woohoo! One girl is kind of weeping, probably because the other Heather is her only other office friend and she’s sad to see her go. As I leave (I would have skipped out, but my heartbeat hadn’t returned to normal) the other Heather stopped me. She said “I noticed you getting a little chocked up in there when you heard. Thank you for caring so much, Heather!” And gave me a hug.. “Yeah,” I said, wiping a bead of sweat from my brow, passing it off as a tear, “You’ll be missed.”