Office Rule #58 (Death by Chocolate)

Let your co-workers know about your likes and dislikes early on. More to the point, let them know what things you like to eat, and what things will kill you.

I made the mistake of not telling anyone in my office that I’m allergic to dairy products. In hindsight, my first day should have been like this: “Hi, my name is Heather and I’m allergic to milk.” Not only then would everything be clear, but my co-workers would have probably regarded me as the “new weirdo” and would have left me alone. My co-workers have a tendency to nag and try to hang out in my cubicle. I wish my cubicle had a door. Then I could lock it. Or at least pretend to be on the phone when they come by and gesture through to sound proof window to come back later, like my boss does.

Anyway, this whole not knowing about me is starting to get worse and worse. I consider it the mark of a true friend for them to know that I’m allergic to most things under the sun. And, it’s the mark of a really great friend who will ask a waiter at a restaurant we’re at if the meal is cooked in butter, because their dear friend over here might die. But maybe I shouldn’t be so exclusive with this information. I feel like it’s a third date sort of conversation point. And in everyday life, it certainly shouldn’t be brought up if not called for, because of the inevitable questions it provokes, such as “Weird! What happens to you?! Would you die?! Like, how exactly would you die?” or “Oh my gosh, I would just kill myself if I couldn’t have ice cream. That’s so sad… don’t you just wanna kill yourself? Don’t you?” and the latest one which I seem to be getting is “So do you eat a lot of peanut butter?” Huh? I don’t get this one. Honestly, about three people have asked me that one recently. I don’t see the logic behind this one. Peanut Butter? Because, when you think of no milk products you think… peanut butter? Yes, you’re right. In fact, I subsist solely on peanut butter. Why, is that weird? Don’t you? I don’t think I’ve had peanut butter since I was in first grade and ate it with raisins on a celery stick.

So anyway, since on the first day I failed to mention my weirdness, it’s now getting too late in the game to say anything! This wouldn’t really be a problem, but I seem to have become to target of the office’s new-kid-outreach program or something. A couple times a week one of my co-workers comes by my cube with some kind of snack to give me. I’m sure they think they’re just making my day, but in reality it’s really awkward. It started off easy enough. My cubicle mate gave me a biscotti. Without even a glance at the ingredients I knew it was not Heather-friendly. “Thanks!” I said enthusiastically, and as soon as they turned the corner, I opened my bottom drawer, threw the poor little biscotti in the back and closed it, never to be seen again. So this was easy enough… I would just fill my desk drawer with these foods and pretend I ate them. (Weird, when I wrote that out it makes it sound like I have an eating disorder or something, like one day some janitor or something is gonna stumble upon my stash of dairy products and I’m gonna have a meltdown when I realize everyone’s found out)

But then, they starting wanting to see me eat the stuff they brought me! This has to do with them being too friendly. A few weeks ago someone brought me a chocolate chip cookie, and then sat down in my cubicle. Oh no! So I just stared at my friend while she told me the story of her “stupid, useless brother”, all the while the cookie starting to crumble in my trembling hand. I had to nod along with her story and just sort of hold the cookie. It must have looked pretty unnatural, me with wide unblinking eyes, nodding every now and then, holding a cookie about three feet from my body. So after she was there for a while, I started to realize I might actually have to eat this cookie! Is it really worth nearly dying over social courtesy?

But luckily, I didn’t have to decide that one, as my friend finally got up and finished her story and left. Before she left though, I of course had to thank her for the cookie, “Thanks! I guess everyone knows chocolate chip cookies are my favorite… mmmm!” When she was finally gone, and with a sigh of relief, I tossed the cookie into the drawer of no return and got back to work.

So now that all this has happened I’ve really backed myself into a corner. Now that I’ve pretended to enjoy all these things, there’s no way I can be like “Oh, by the way, just so you all know, you’ve all been slowly killing me with these foods because I’m allergic to them.” And I’ve never known such giving co-workers. Is it normal to shower the new employee with dairy products? I feel like I should stand on my chair (which might be tough because it’s a rolley chair, and me lurching around trying to balance myself might not have the same effect) and announce “Everyone listen up! Stop trying to buy my affection with food! I’m a normal person and all you have to do is talk to me!” But I haven’t gotten the courage yet, so when I see someone coming towards me with something in their hand shortly after our lunch break, I try to slip out the back and pretend I’m making copies.

In fact, I’ll open my bottom drawer right now and give you an inventory… there’s a granola bar, a Milky way, some Reese’s pieces, that biscotti (which is starting to grow fur), an Almond Joy, a few cookies, some See’s candy, some caramel Hershey kisses, a bag of Doritos, and some pretzels. Oh wait, I can eat those! Score!