Kerry should have won for not dying

So the elections over and Kerry lost. After crawling out from under the covers a few hours ago, I’ve realized that much of the news media has overlooked the real story of the campaigns – how did Kerry survive campaigning?!

I mean, he’s OLD! For those not in the know, he’s 61! And he’s probably lived solely off ketchup for the last 20 years. He’s not a sprightly young thing that can afford to jet-set around the country and never sleep. Not only does he have to stay awake all the time, he has to give speeches and stuff and always be on. If it were me I’d be like, “Um.. yeah, I really want to answer your question about my plan for the economy, but I’m really tired. If I just went over here in the corner for a minute and took a nap, could you ask me again later?”

I bet by the time third debate rolled around, if I were killing myself on the campaign trail like he was, I would have some nasty cold and irrevocable dark circles under my eyes, and every now and then I’d have to use my 2 minute response time to hack up a lung or two. There’s no way a normal person could have kept it together like that! Not to mention I wouldn’t look all tan and groomed like our boy Kerry. He must be so pumped full of caffeine that now that he’s lost the election, we won’t see him for a while because he’ll be deflating and coming down from a year long medicated high.

On the day before the election, Kerry flew to six different states to campaign. Six states! In ONE day! In a related story, I had trouble getting to both the grocery store and the dry cleaners.

Considering I rarely get out of my pajamas until Saturday evening, I think a run for the White House just isn’t in the cards for me. I stay in my pajamas as much as possible. I’ve been known to wear my pajamas to work under my real clothes.

Not that I really needed convincing, but I don’t think I could be a big campaigning politician. I like my sleep, I like my pajamas, and I like to pretend that my Tivo not recording Will & Grace is one of life’s real hardships.