Suzie Recruiter

A few days ago I had the exciting task of going back to my alma mater to be a recruiter for the next round of eager young accounting students. A fact most people are probably unaware of is that accounting students during recruiting season are completely crazy. And a year ago I was one of them. You’ve got to understand, accounting students are the super-competitive, irritating business types that you see on The Apprentice, only they’re smart and calculating too, because their accountants. Therefore, recruiting season on our campus is full of gossiping, back-stabbing, and mental breakdowns. Seriously, it’s crazy, and I’m impressed that I survived with my dignity, not to mention a job.

But this year it’s all different for me. I get to put on my fancy name badge and stand behind a table with our company’s banner and try to make my job sound as cool as possible. I suddenly have so much power and I was mentally hiring and firing people at will. Hmm.. that kid over there used to live in my dorm and definitely puked in the hall once. He’s out. And that girl there just took the last brownie, she is so done. But actually I think I’m a good recruiter. I’ve been in their shoes and I know what it’s like to be scared and not know what the heck the company does that you are supposed to want to work for. So I tried to sell our program as best I could, all the while with this kid staring back at me like a deer in the headlights, mostly thinking about the test they have in statistics tomorrow. Every now and then I would call over my friend who was recruiting with me to tell some kid I was talking to about the internship he had. Big mistake. I seemed to be the only one trying to relate to these kids. I would be like, “So tell him what it was you did when you were an intern..” and he would say something like, “I worked in SES with the Director of Commodities… mostly doing work with compliance for Sarbanes Oxley for the LES division. And that new SEC legislation really helped us with the LIBOR, you know?” OK, even I have no idea what you just said. He would totally confuse them. They would stare back at him and then blink a few times and then be like, “I can add 2 and 3. Do you do much of that?” So I tried to make our job sound as simple as possible.. I’d be like “I work in a big building and play with numbers and go ‘type, type, click, click’ and then go home. OK? Does that sound like something you want to do?” Then I would force my newly printed business card on them and send them on their way.

What really made me nervous about the whole thing was the little pep talk that our head recruiter gave us before the kids came. He was giving us tips on what to look for and suddenly I became very aware that I had these kids futures in my hands. But I was now very curious to hear what it was that this company looked for when hiring, mostly because I wanted to know why the hell they picked me. He told us that we’re looking for someone that has really good grades and job experience, but who has to be much more than book smart. He said we should look for someone with a “winning personality” and someone who’s a joy to talk to. And that’s me? Aw, shucks. I kept waiting for the part where he was like, “But, if you can’t find anyone like that, our basic policy is to hire someone who’s name rhymes with ‘weather’.”

I came back from the event feeling like I really had convinced no one that a job here was good. I only really liked two people, one of whom I couldn’t read their name on their nametag because it was stuck on their jacket in such a way that it would have made me a pervert to look at it for too long, and the other one who I remembered being called “Phillip” only to find that there was no one named Phillip there that day. So I got back to my desk the next day and resigned myself back to my job of typing and clicking, when I suddenly saw an email from one of the students I talked to! It was from a girl thanking me for talking to her about our program. Wow, that took some genuine thought and effort and really made an impression on me! This girls on her game! Too bad she used Helvetica font. I hate that. She’s out.