This is only a drill... now run for it!

There’s always something strange going on in this office. If it’s not the lights going out, it’s a fire drill, which is what we had today. This morning, when I was immersed in my morning bagel and Snapple, a crackly voice came over the loudspeaker, which instantly made me stop chewing and think, “We have a loudspeaker?” The person started telling us that we were having a fire drill, in a strange way that made it sound like making this announcement was simply #200 on his to do list. It sounded like he was talking in between bites of a bagel (seriously, the bagels here are good) and was like “This is only a drill. (bite…chew) there has been a reported threat to the building. (chew) The building has been compromised.. but remember… (bite… chew… long pause) this is only a drill.”

So, as one does during a fake drill like this, everyone just carried on working. After a few minutes we all closed our games of Minesweeper and started collecting around people’s cubicles. “So… should we go?” So I walked over to my newly made Sempra friend’s cube, only to find that she was strapping on a reflective orange vest and grabbing a whistle! It turns out my new friend is our department’s safety monitor. In related news, I can no longer be her friend because that’s just too nerdy. I am accepting applications for a new work friend. Sole requirement: be under 30.

So now I was walking down the hall with my safety monitor friend, and the crowds parted for us on the way to the stairs. It’s amazing how much respect an orange vest gets. I told her to wear it all the time. We got to the stair well, expecting to run to freedom and have a fun, 15 minute respite in the adjacent parking lot. But when we opened the stairwell door, there was an army of people marching down it. You couldn’t even stick your foot into the flow of people. Keep in mind, this was a good 15 minutes after the drill announcement. We had to wait about ten more minutes for an opening in the stampede to even get in the stairwell! Had this been a real emergency, you would all have already paid your respects at my funeral by now and would be hitting the bar.

I should also mention that there’s a 7 months pregnant lady in our department. I call her pregnant lady, for obvious reasons. She had been asked repeatedly if she wanted to come down with us, or if she’d rather wait here and be put on a special list to ride down on a fireman’s back instead. But she insisted she was fine. So we all watched her every step of the way. Two people in front of her, two people behind, telling her “Left foot! Right foot! Turn!” When we finally got to the bottom of the stairs, we all thought we were home free, so her walking crew all took off and ran to the parking lot to laugh at the people in orange vests. Little did we know, the two steps down to the sidewalk were the real killers of this story. Pregnant lady tripped! But don’t worry folks, she’s fine.. she just fell on her knee.. granted her sunglasses flew to the other side of the street, but she stood right up and was more embarrassed than anything.

When we all finally made it to the parking lot, we were informed we’d violated about seven fire drill safely regulations. We were supposed to cross the street, and then cross back. Because in a crisis, everyone is that logical. We apologized to the nearest safety monitor and promised to make a donation to orange children everywhere. Then came the daunting task of taking roll call. At first I thought it was going to be the entire company roll call, which given the 1500 people who worked there and the staggering number of graduate degrees present, would have taken about 18 months. But then I noticed a safety monitor holding up a little paper that said “7th Floor”.. ahh, home! So we only had to take roll for our floor. Unfortunately, the most up to date emergency roll call list was from approximately 1998. So it started like “Roberta Adams? Roberta Adams?” “Um, she quit about a year and a half ago..” “Oh, ok.. Joseph Brolin… Joseph? Has anyone seen Joseph?” “No, not since he died two years ago.” It went on like this forever, until finally one of the smarter orange vests decided to tell them that our entire floor was out sick and forget it.

Another peril of the drill was the our ingenious escape route that ended us up in a parking lot forgot to take into account that people might actually be parking there. So amid all the chaos was some soccer mom in a PT Cruiser honking at all of us to get through, so we’d all scatter and then reform, only to have some other person’s car come through, probably an employee who was late and was wondering why the whole company was in his way.

After about 20 minutes of standing around and discussing what we’d all actually do if this were a real drill (I would slide down the stair banister in terror, even trampling pregnant lady if necessary) we finally were given the OK by the head orange vest to go back in. So then all 1500 employees waited for about 2 elevators to get back to work.

The whole drill was brilliantly executed and it all bodes very well for a real emergency. Based on past experience, if we ever do have a real drill, I will be the one passed out in a heap in front of the filing cabinet that I will inevitably run into in my flight of terror.. and no one will ever find me because they’ll be too busy looking for Jim McOldie who’s currently retired and living on a lake in Maine with his two cats. So please, if the situation arises, please tell them to keep looking for the little girl who loved her job, and while she was willing to die for the company she loved, it just wasn’t her time. (Hey, as long as I get out alive…)